The Unrevised True History Concerning
the Three Little Pigs and the BigBad Wolf

Like most others, I had assumed that the story about the three little pigs was a fairy tale with the moral of the story being about how those who plan ahead and act upon those plans will prosper. In short, how the farsighted will inherit the earth. I was unaware that this was really a true story, a remnant legend left over from the days when animals truly spoke and were capable of building dwelling places of straw or sticks or even bricks. Then I was given this ancient manuscript, inscribed upon naugahyde, by an unusually intelligent raccoon.

I am sure that there are those who won't believe me, but let me ask them this. If you believe that animals can speak or build houses of bricks, what is to prevent them from erecting a chemical factory and mass-producing massive quantities of naugahyde furniture to equip those brick houses? Huh? After all, it took mankind, according to evolutionists, quite some time until we got smart enough to build a man-made cave out of bricks. Now you don't have to believe that I was given this thousands of years old manuscript written on a polyvinyl plastic describing incredible animal feats by a raccoon that you haven't been introduced to, but I remind you that there are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, that are undreamt of by your philosophy. This matter cleared up, let me get on with this true unabridged history concerning BigBad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs.

The first part of this reads true enough. Mother pig sent off her three little porkers to seek their fortune. Now the manual parenthetically states that Mamma Pig was a single mother who wanted to take up with a bisexual boar with a long history of piglet abuse, but I would just as soon not get into that.

Mamma Sow sent off her children to seek their fortunes. At first she tried to talk them into leaving the home with the admonition to seek their fortune but when they ignored her she had to use sterner methods. In fact, the first-born piglet, a lazy, sluttish gilt named Indolent, suggested that it would be fine with both her and the new stepfather if she were to stay at home. Incensed, Mamma Sow drove Indolent and her two brothers away with a stick plucked out of the deteriorating family home. The three little pigs scattered away, each in his or her own direction.

Indolent ran off a short distance. She had had a great deal of contact with her would-be stepfather and had ample reason for saying what she said to her mother. So she made a quick house out of corn sheaves with a door made out of scrap lumber. Then she trotted off to the singles wallow.

Now the manuscript introduces the main character of this history, namely the wolf known as BigBad. It names him by name as being both Big and Bad, hence the name BigBad, one word, with no comma between the adjectives but both syllables capitalized.

BigBad was quite a character. He was unusually large, even by wolf standards, hence the name Big. As far as Bad goes, well, he was called that by those who knew him best, his contemporaries. But perhaps he wasn't all bad.

BigBad was a lone wolf in an era when wolves roamed to and fro in packs. Perhaps BigBad was too much of a freethinker or a rugged individualist who didn't care to run with the pack. In any case, solitude turned him into a grouch, if he wasn't one already.

BigBad came by Indolent's home one night when she was not entertaining boarfriends. BigBad tried the door, but it was locked. So, without a word since he was somewhat kindhearted and he didn't believe in getting his meat tainted by adrenaline-drenched fear, BigBad wedged his nose through the thin, flimsy straw walls, came on in, grabbed Indolent by the throat, and chomped down. Indolent never knew what killed her. BigBad proceeded to eat his supper, then breakfast and lunch, courtesy of one-stop shopping.

None of that "If you don't let me in then I'll huff and puff and blow your house in" bullshit is ever mentioned in the ancient manuscript. I don't know what it is, but most people think that just because there was no electricity, or television or Nintendo games in ancient times that the people (or animals in this case) living then were absolute idiots because if they had been smart they would have set about inventing all such junk. I personally think that people (and animals) way back then had to be smarter just because times were rougher and that we are the de-evolving descendants of survivors. But enough of the ramblings of a man who has consistently been cheering BigBad on since the word go.

BigBad stayed on for the better part of the week inside Indolent's love palace, killing and eating the smaller of Indolent's boarfriends until Indolent's stepfather and sometime boarfriend came by and drove him off. BigBad wasn't sure whether he could take the stepfather boar on or not, but since he had a policy of not being racked up by dinner, he left through the back wall.

Up the road, BigBad loped, looking for his next meal. In due course BigBad came to the second pig's house, this one made up of sticks, just like the one the second pig had been driven from.

Reading the text, I am struck by the fact that the second little pig is never called anything except The Second Pig. The ancient manuscript states that Second Pig was male, but other than that he seems to be nothing special. Second Pig seems to have had the bad luck to be alone, small in a world filled with predators, and not especially bright or industrious. Just a Joe Six-pack adrift on the Sea of Fate without a paddle or enough sense to make do.

BigBad came across the stick hut in a clearing in the woods. After ascertaining that Second Pig was smaller than himself, alone, and that the door was locked, BigBad pried apart the sticks that made up a wall of the house, then he entered the house, and killed and ate the frightened, squealing Second Pig. Then BigBad curled up and had a nap after supper. Second Pig left nothing behind but his name in an ancient manuscript. That and a pile of wolf shit.

The next morning BigBad woke up content. He was being all a wolf should be and eating high on the food chain. He was making it. He didn't need a pack to make him happy. BigBad finished off the leftovers and took another nap.

Just before dawn, BigBad was on the road again, searching for his next meal. Second Pig didn't have many visitors like Indolent Pig had so there was no point in hanging around waiting for lunch to arrive. In due course he arrived at the house occupied by the third pig.

Now this manuscript seems to have suffered from revisions from the rest of the script where it names the name of the third little pig. The original name has been scratched out everywhere originally mentioned and the term "Male Chauvinist" inserted by a barely literate or somewhat hysterical hand. Now I would like to insert my view of what the third pig might have been called and call him Industrious Pig, or Confident Pig, or Reason Pig. But Male Chauvinist Pig is what had been given me by the ancient revisionists and that is what I will go with. Since I tend to relate to this little pig who did well, I think that I will call him MC instead, though.

This house was made up of square, rocklike mud pieces though. And the door was locked. BigBad sniffed the entrance. A pig lived here. What was going on here? BigBad had never come across the like.

BigBad shoved on the door. Then he nosed around the walls. There was nothing that would give way for his questing nose or shoulder. BigBad broke a nail trying to pry out the bricks, which were securely glued together by a rocklike substance. BigBad knocked on the door as a last resort.

MC Pig looked out of a window on the second floor, high above the wolf.

"What do you want and be advised that I don't talk to wolves."

"Breakfast," BigBad said, earnestly.

"Well you'll find none of that here. But I do have something for you." MC Pig dropped a brick onto BigBad's head, stunning him for a second.

"I ought to get me some dynamite and blow your house down," said BigBad. "It would serve you right, you inhospitable pig."

"Dynamite hasn't been invented yet. And when it is, it will come long after the invention of firearms. How would you like for us pigs to have guns to shoot meddlesome wolves with then?"

"I swear that I will behave myself if you let me in, Little Pig," BigBad said, changing the subject.

"Mister Pig to you, wolf. And that is just the problem. I am but a little pig, although uncommonly smart and determined, while you are a big, bad wolf. Your manners might unfairly be tested by your appetite, with myself paying the price. Why don't you come back when I am larger and you are less hungry. Until then," here MC Pig let fly another brick that conked BigBad atop the head, "good day," and he shut the window.

After BigBad regained consciousness, he left. Unlike his proverbial cousin, Wile E. Coyote, he knew enough to quit while he was only slightly behind. After a few years, after MC Pig had grown to the point where he no longer feared BigBad, MC invited BigBad into his home and they bached it together until MC found out that BigBad was responsible for the deaths of his brother and sister. Then they fell out.

This is the way that it was stated upon the ancient naugahyde manuscript. I'd show you myself, but soon afterwards the manuscript, which had been exposed to light and air in the reading disintegrated. I'd have a picture of it but I loaned the camera to my sister that week. Oh well. You probably wouldn't have believed me even if you had seen the manuscript.