Para Alright, already, I know you Odinists, agnostic, atheists, dirt-eating, ax toting, friends of mine are getting tired of hearing about these skillet-licking, chittlin-sucking, jangle-jawed, gravy-sopping preachers. Well, I'm sorry..
Para Perhaps, you don't care what happens to Christianity. You are not interested in religion. Well, you had better get interested! It may kill you and your children! We are, at this very moment, watching our sons and daughters die, daily, because of bad foreign policy.
Para These articles are about the marriage of bad foreign policy, and false religion, truly, a union made in hell, and a killer!
Para And to my many Christian friends I bring the Gospel, the good news that you don't have to be stupid to be a Christian.
Para This is the first morning of the year of our Lord Jesus (Blessed be He) AD not CE, 2004. I began this day and year by calling the prayer line of the Rev. Robert Tilton. Brother Tilton asked his TV audience to "Make a Vow," and I did. I told him that I vow to run his sorry charlatan butt off the air as quickly as possible. Also I said some bad stuff about his mammy and sister, as is my wont.
Para Before this day ends I will have called most of these con-artists from TBN, Daystar, the Church Channel, the Word Network, and cussed them out soundly using the vilest back-alley, garbage-can-lid-rattling, eight-rock-black Ebonics known to mankind.
Para Of course, I make mistakes. I know it's hard for you to believe that, but I do, and I did make a horrible mistake this past year. I helped get Miss Cleo run-off the TV. You remember Miss Cleo the TV fortune-teller-psychic-island-Niger. I have to apologize to Miss Cleo.
Para Forgive us Miss Cleo. How could we have crucified you and spared Rev. Pat Robertson? If you had laid a Bible on you little table instead of Tarot cards you and Pat would own the world by now. He could have learned from you.
Para Listen how unsophisticated his readings are;
"I see a prisoner with a tattoo, sitting on his bunk,
and God is healing him of his stomach pain."
ParaDo you have any idea how many jail birds have tattoos, no place to sit but their bunks, and have gut pains from eating uneatable jail food?
Para The 700 Club could use you, Miss Cleo. Drop that phony island Gullah-talk, get out of those voodoo gowns, dress in white like a temple prostitute, and head for Virginia Beach! Remember, always say Gooood told me to tell you.
Para Actually, I have more respect for Miss Cleo than I hold for Robertson and company. Miss Cleo did post a disclaimer, albeit in small print, saying that the program was "For entertainment purposes only." Most of what passes for TV gospel should carry such a statement.
Para Is all this religious show business innocuous, what harm can come from such amateurish theatrics? Well, you are correct. If Pat Robertson, or his dullard son says that God talks to them only about prisoners, tattoos, and belly aches, then who cares?
ParaHowever, the claim that "God told me" becomes real serious when an apostate village idiot like Pat Robertson joins the bastard state of Israel in an unholy prayer for a speedy and total annihilation of the much maligned Palestinians. And when he is "lead by the spirit" to reject any peace plan in favor of Armageddon, it becomes very serious, indeed.
Para George Bush, are you sure, ab-so-damn-lutely sure, that God told you to invade Iraq? This is really strange, Mr. President, God don't usually talk to people like you.
Para Mr. President, I don't think you want to be a false prophet. A false prophet is anyone who says what he has not heard from God.
Para What is the punishment for false prophets? Well, I know most of them, but the one I favor is from a time when false prophets, ". . . . who prophesied what they did not hear," were punished by burying them up to their priestly knees in dung then, "The men put a hard towel in a soft one, and encircled his neck. One pulled on one side, and another on the other side, till the condemned opened his mouth. And one lit a wick, and cast it into his mouth, and it went down to his bowels, and it consumed his intestines." -- R. Judah
Para Regrettably, I don't think that even the Holiday Inn has enough towels to accommodate the huge number of lying prophets across this nation. In my wonderful Southland you can shake any bush (no pun) or lift any muddy rock and a prophet or prophetess will fall or crawl out.
Para Listen, dear hearts! Rev. John Hagee said it and I wrote it down,
"This war was not planned in Washington. It was planned in heaven."
"Baghdad is Babylon and it will fall in one hour. (Ed. He latter said, "one day.)
"It would not surprise me if the rapture occurs in the next six months. Get ready church."
Para John I heard you Sunday. How can you preach against fat? You rotund mamzer! And you preached against fornication and adultery. Great blue, blazing, balls of hell fire, and brimstone, John, before yo belly fell down over yo private parts, you never was able to keep yo spoon in your own soup!
Para The Liberty Flame reported in May 1994 that during the time when Hagee was serving the Charismatic congregation at Trinity Church (1976) in San Antonio, he divorced his wife, Martha, resigned and married a young woman in the congregation, Diana Castro. In a letter to the church, Hagee admitted immorality, which later became part of the court records in the custody battle. Martha later also remarried and started another family. Not surprisingly, there is a hiatus from 1976 to 1987 left out of Hagee's web site biography.
Para I've always wondered if it was hard to 'talk in tongues' while shacking-up, meant to ask Swaggert but didn't. Of course, we'll understand it better by and by. I heard you say that there is a "Spy in the sky watching over the Jews," and "he is a Jew" you said.
Para Well, maybe you'll get by with all this, John, if your 'Jew in the sky' was watching them and didn't see you.
Para Enough! Most of you people won't read more than two pages. So, I'll close with the first four of my New Year resolutions, of the which, we will talk later.
1. Get Jesus a place in the U.S. Holocaust Museum.
2. Get all the Apostles a place there.
3. Kill Ann Frank, once and for all time, and nail her damn coffin shut.
4. Raise money for 'Operation on Wings of Turkey Buzzards,' $350.00 U.S. each, to anesthetize, kidnap, and fly back to Russia all non-Jew-Khazars from Israel. So Jesus will come back.
Bishop James Floyd
Happy New Year
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