(Or one out of four ain't bad) Thanks L.B..
Para Let us pray. Thank you Jesus for giving me this form of recreation! Thank You, Lord, for looking down on old Jim, and blessing me, at my delicate age, with the rare gifts of humor, and personality. Now, Lord all I'm asking is that, after I'm gone, you spread these gifts around, especially, to those old men with prostate trouble who stay up all night peeing and writing me nasty letters.
Para Forgive me, Lord, for being miffed about You not healing my gray hair. I just had one of them weak moments, Lord, thinking that You had healed Kenneth Copeland, Leroy Jenkins, and even that aging Barbie Doll, Jan Crouch, of they gray hairs, and not done nothing for me. I'm still a little peeved, but I'll get over it.
Para Amen. Para Every time I write Bible stuff I must reestablish my theo-credentials. I have to get your attention in the first few lines of an article or you will stop reading. I have to write for men and ladies, intellectuals, factory floor workers, and intellectual factory floor workers.
Para Yes, I have in the past had ulterior motives but I'm ready to, in the vernacular of today, 'let it all hang-out.' What do I want you to do? The list of things is long, but for starters you could black-out all the marginal notes in your Scofield and Dake Bibles, make compost out of all those prophecy novels, and help me in a hostile take-over bid for Christian Show Business from the likes of John Hagee, Pat Robertson, Hinn, Lindsey, Van Imp etc. etc.
Para The following discourse is for the ladies. I need more women on me list and fewer old men with they heads set in denominational cement. (J.M.)
Para So ladies, if I tell you something you have never heard before, something you will never forget, perhaps, just maybe, it will nudge you toward the exit doors of these Tower of Babel, apostate, churches, and help you get yo mind right where you will listen to people like me. There are, at least, four or five of us out here, you know.
Question of the week, #1, comes from K. of California.
"Why do Rabbis say that a woman is unclean seven days after her period has stopped?"
Para Well, let us do a little calculating. A woman's period last about five or six days and then you can't get near her for another seven days until she is clean again, and that makes twelve plus days. So, you can't touch her until it is somewhere around twelve to fifteen days after her menstrual cycle began.
Para You ain't hearing what I'm saying, girls! Young, healthy, Moshe been out there in them green pastures, watching them sheep, and waiting for over two weeks, waiting, watching them little boy and girl sheeps do what sheeps do, and thinking only overpowering crotch-thoughts.
Para After all this waiting, watching, and thinking, Moshe is ready, boy is he ready, and so is the ovum! There is the egg, it has traveled down and lays there, it is in position just waiting for Moshe. Every sperm is holy and not to be wasted. And as you well know, if the rhythm is right there will be no waste.
Para I call it copulating and populating. If you can't take-over a nation by force of arms, well, just crossover into the land of Canaan, lay back and relax, there are other ways. And the priests loved it, the generals loved it, everybody in Moshe's little world loved it, with two possible exceptions, the Canaanites, and poor Mrs. Moshe.
Para So, now you know. Bible law, in this case, is at once both tactical and practical.
Para You ladies thought it unfair for God to make you bleed and then call you nasty because you did what He had made you to do. There is another, easy to understand side, to the red-curse-story, isn't there? It makes sense!
Para Alas, here is the formula, married at thirteen, four hundred eggs, right timing for impregnation, more people, more power, more followers, more tithes, and more little Moshes.
Para Another interesting tributary of this study is the Genesis record of Eve's punishment. Any plain-vanilla preacher will tell you that the "pain" of birthing children was a curse put upon Eve. But there was another, overlooked, part to this curse, "I will greatly multiply. thy conception." (Genesis 3:16) So, something changed. Was it the frequency of ovulation or number of ova? We can not know but it changed.
Question of the week, #2, comes from right here in Cullman.
Brother Ronnie asked, "How can I know if I'm in a good church?" Ron is one of those theologically challenged people whom you must bring along slowly, from square one.
Para When I learned to fly the instructor started me out by insulting my intelligence. "This is the ground," he pointed at the ground. "That is the sky," he stuck his finger straight up. "And that's an airplane," he waved toward the 150 Cessna then he grinned
. Para Well, like that ugly flight instructor, I'm grinning, and I'm starting with some real basic, simple, stuff. Remember Dick and Jane?
Para See Dick run. See Jane run. See Dick and Jane run. Ain't that silly? Yes it is but Dick and Jane no longer know how to run or when to run. The next few lines are about Churchy Dick and Churchy Jane, Judaizing Judaizers, and a lesson in track and field.
Y If your church teaches that Judaism is the loving elder brother of Christianity, run!Para Add to all of the above the blatant practice of simony, sodomy, and dozens of other crimes against Christianity and you have today's apostate churches.
Y If you are in a church were the preacher grabs his crotch when he gets excited in the spirit, run!
Y If your choir persists in shaking their asses for Jesus, get gone. You ain't suppose to hunch, bump and grind to no church music.
Y If the music alternates between rap and music to make-out by, trot on out! The same applies to Yah Yah Yiddish folk music.
Y If the pastor's wife claims a holy orgasm at every service, get away from there, don't run, learn to fly and get far away!
Y If your preacher brings in groups like 'Thugs for Jesus,' 'Fourth Avenue Hookers for Jesus,' 'Jews, Homos, or Congressmen for Jesus,' get a-way!
Y If there is a so-called Star of David in front of your church or, heaven forbid, inside your church, then get rabbit in yo feet and get out of there.
Y The same includes a Mexican flag with the winged, snake god, and eagle eating blood-dripping, human hearts.
Y If your pastor wears a prayer shawl or a yarmulke, ever, fly away, go now!
Y If your church claims to be Judeo-Christian; if they are teaching that you have spiritual genes from Khazar Jews, or that Khazars have physical genes from Hebrews, scoot on out.
Y If the preacher calls the Holy Communion a Seder Supper, out run this profanation.
Y If they ask you to pray for Jerusalem or send money to the Israelis, then it is time for you to stand up, leave, and take yo billfold with you.
Y If they ever ask you to finance the rebuilding of a temple do not dilly or dally, rise up, get your family up and march out the door singing that old Hank William's favorite 'I'll fly away, oh glory' and mosey on along.
Y If they call Palestine a "Holy-Land," get out even quicker!
Y Cringe and flee if they say Ariel Sharon has been "chosen" by a loving, sane, deity, for anything.
Y If you are in one of those groups who are hell bent on blending, and admixing Judaism with Christianity, run, fly, crawl, walk, just go! Syncretism of Christianity with today's Judaism is the mission of a, soon to come, big, ugly, Beast.
Y If they put on skits with deacons carrying a not-so-accurate replica of the Ark of the Covenant, down the nave of your church, with little paper-mâché Cherubs glued atop it, and with dry ice fog representing the Shekhinah Glory, don't get excited and shout, don't talk in tongues, just laugh and leave.
Y If they are preaching any form of 'prosperity theology' that has you irresponsibly sitting at home waiting for a gold brick to fall through the ceiling and land on yo coffee table, forget it, and get.
Y Look, if your preacher promises you a thousand-fold return on your donations then do as I do. Type out a simple lien agreement and have him sign it. The contract should state that he guarantees the return on your money in the amount afore promised, secured by a lien on his Mercedes, home, condo, Caribbean bank account, future income, hair piece (if applicable) etc. etc.
Para It's time to run Dick, run Jane. Ready, on your mark, get set, go!
ParaWell, I gotta go too, friends, and take my camel hair robe to the cleaners.
Secretary of Churchland Security
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