The Old Curmudgeon #1

Dealing with FiBbIes & The Media

by Mike Kemp



In the summer of 1995, the Congress of the United States engaged in an inquiry into the series of events which are lumped together in the public consciousness as "Waco." For some unknown reason, elements within the Democratic Party expended every effort to confuse, misdirect, overload with irrelevancy, and otherwise hinder the investigation. The "point man" in this effort at obfuscation was one Charles Shumer, D, NY- he of the gerrymandered district.

Representative Zeliff was heading up the investigation; he received a letter, exhorting him to do a thorough job. It warned him against the obstructionist efforts of Rep. Shumer. At one point, in keeping with the sarcastically humorous tone of the letter, Rep. Zeliff is counseled to have an aide" mace Charlie Shumer, and while he is disoriented, handcuff him to a urinal in the basement of the Rayburn Building" for the duration of the hearings, to insure their success.

Someone took exception to this, and the FBI, in the person of Agent Young, FBI Huntsville, was sent to tame whatever crusty old politically incorrect curmudgeon was responsible for this offense to the peace and dignity of Charlie Shumer, to whom the letter had not been even been addressed. Agent Young (who, parenthetically, had refused to investigate a bomb threat against the old curmudgeon (TOC) himself in the recent past) invited TOC down to fibby headquarters for a little conversation.

TOC, having been born at night but not during any recent night, declined respectfully. Or, at least as respectfully as his name allows. Agent Young then informed TOC that she and three more agents would be there to visit at 11:00 A.M. on Tuesday upcoming. TOC gives a brief report of this on a local talk show (from which he is now banned -- hmmm...). One of the Gadsden guys (GG) called TOC and asked TOC if he wanted some help. "Do ursine creatures excrete in the timberland?" replied TOC.

Monday morning Agent Young began to receive phone calls, the tone of which she had never encountered. The first GG called her office at oh-dark-thirty and inquired if she were investigating TOC for his having written a letter with an attitude. "Who is this?" she wanted to know. GG identified himself, adding that her boss's boss in B'ham knew him, and that she should be aware that her boss's boss had written a letter to the editor of The Gadsden Times the previous day, declaring among other things that they only investigated crimes or suspected crimes.

GG informed the lady that he and his associates saw no crime, but abundant high and low humor in the letter in question; therefore, GG and associates were cosigning the letter, and would be at TOC's house the next morning to "aid in her investigation."

At this point I must add that her boss's boss in B'ham was the recipient of three TV crews and reporters from two newspapers at a recent interview with the GG's. He drove in under the gaze of 15 GG's legally packing and flying Confederate Battle and Gadsden flags. Returning to GG's conversation with the Lady Young: before GG signed off, he asked if she had attended the Good O'Boys that year. This conversation was repeated with numerous GG's and GG's (Gadsden gals) during the course of the day.

Tuesday morning, TOC was joined by three GG's: their talking head, their bag man, and the heavy hitter. Oh, yeah. And Channel 31, Huntsville, was there. The sultry summer morning passed quietly. At eleven or so, the phone rang. Agent Young was on the line, and she was not pleased. She said that by making the matter public, TOC had "declined to be interviewed." They were going to keep their toys and stay home and play. With themselves, I must assume.

Agent Young was most pleased to come to TOC's house when it was TOC and Mrs. TOC (also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed) there alone to face four pistol packing agents. However, when faced with one to one odds, something changed. She was required to drive onto private property and face three armed men -- attitude unknown, but assumed to be eager. Alternately, she could bring twenty or so and find a smiling red neck GG saying "Y'all come on in out of the sun." Meanwhile, the thought of either scenario on the FIVE O'CLOCK NEWS was not pleasant.

Is there a lesson to be learned from this? One thing that was learned that if you haven't committed a crime, you don't have to be afraid of the feral alphabet soup critters. And that you can tell them "NO," though they would never tell you that. But they did, though, didn't they, when they said that TOC "delined to be interviewed." One thing that I never did find out -- did Lady Young, black (did I mention that?) lady fibby agent, ever go to the Good O'Boys? 50,000 federal agents were asked -- was she? The GG's asked her, and knowing bureaucrats, they probably asked her as well.

The Old Curmudgeon
Mike Kemp (



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