I Would Like to Apologize

Patricia Neill



Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 09:10:37 -0500
To: mlindste@jscomm.NET
From: Patricia Neill (pnpj@mail.rochester.edu)
Subject: I Would Like to Apologize

    First, of all, I'm sorry about the Holocaust. Really, really sorry 
    about that.  I'd also like to apologize for the fall of the Roman 
    Empire, for Napoleon's effectiveness, for China's brutality and for 
    Jimmy Carter.

    I want to apologize for the Irish potato famine, and for the Irish 
    in general.  Shame on me for inflicting the world with a race of 
    poets, scholars, monks, and cops, not to mention Brendan Brehan. 
    I'm sorry for the Hutus using their machetes on the Tutus.  Very 

    I am hugely remorseful for Rasputin.

    I apologize for anti-semitism, racism, homophobia, sexism, ageism, 
    lookism, heightism, smartism, cuteism, artism, jazzism, and no doubt 
    I've left something out there -- for which, I apologize.  I'm really 
    quite sorry about the Spanish Inquisition, indulgences, corporal 
    punishment, the British Empire, and the Roman Catholic Church.  I'm 
    very sorry about the Crusades, especially that silly Children's 
    Crusade, which was really a big mistake on my part.

    I'm really, really, really sorry for Death, Destruction, Plato, 
    Sesame Street, and mosquitoes. 

    Oh.  And the Holocaust.  The Holocaust was a very bad thing, and I 
    beg everyone's pardon.

    Please forgive me for fast food, rap music, and disco.  How horrible 
    I've been.  I'm really sorry.

    I'm very, very contrite that the Clintons were elected twice, and I 
    am sorry for all their lies.  I'm sorry for the poor quality of wood 
    that makes up Al Gore's head.  I could have used teak, and didn't. 
    Please forgive me.  I'm remorseful about all the endangered species, 
    even, in my better moments, for the Great Spotted Suck Toad.  I am 
    miserable about all the beached whales, creamy-breasted bed thrashers, 
    and red-tailed goots. 

    I'm sorry for black slavery in America, and I'm sorry for the welfare 
    state.  I apologize for public education, the Industrial Revolution, 
    and Windows 95.  I'm really sorry about the Rape of Nanking, Pearl 
    Harbor, the desert in sub-Saharan Africa, and the French.

    I apologize for any modern invention that has ever inconvenienced 
    anyone, like when your car won't start on a cold morning, and I'm 
    sorry about all the landmines, bombs, and boring speeches of
    politicians.  I'm sorry about Hillary Clinton's hairdos.

    I repent the bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade, the eruption 
    of Mt. St. Helens, and of course, the Holocaust.

    I apologize to my cats for them not having been born dogs.  I'm real 
    sorry about the invention of the television, and for the devolution 
    of the human race.  I apologize for the Moon, Winter, and the color 

    However -- and get this straight -- I am NOT sorry about the clarinet. 
    I had nothing to do with the damn thing.

Patricia Neill (c) 2000



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